Is it creepy that I think this much about my funeral? It is, isn't it?
Although my expired Alaska drivers' license doesn't indicate as much, I am an organ and tissue donor. (As should you be, you selfish bastards. Give blood, too (they give you cookies).) In my half-considered decision when checking "yes" (I think when I was registering to vote) to have my pieces redistributed, I figured that the whole business would be done in a sober, efficient and, well, unprofitable way.
Wrong wrong wrong. As I
learn from uber-hot* investigative journalist Kerry Howley, while my kidneys, lungs, heart, and let's say tonsils will be redistributed through the unnecessarily restrictive bureaucratic process of my imagination, pieces of my skin, my tendons, veins and bones will be sold for up to six digits in a deregulated market, and not a dime of it will go to any of my people. Organs regulated, tissue not regulated.
Howley's descriptions of the laws currently in place make it clear that neither I nor my family can benefit from the value of my sexy manflesh, but if by some manner of legal acrobatics it is possible I would like the following comments to be attended to on the unhappy occasion of my being shot by federal marshals or somesuch:
In so far as a blog post can serve such ends, I would like it known that I want my flesh milked of every last ounce of value, and that that proceeds be spent in the following way:
• 1 (one) shovel, rented
• ? (several) gallons gasoline, to be used in driving my body to a place where things grow and no one who cares will notice
• 1 (one) bottle brown liquor, to be poured over the earth in which my unembalmed scraps have been buried
• 12 (twelve) bottle rockets, to be launched after the playing of Danny Boy but before the playing of Exitlude (see previous blog post)
• Remaining money to be distributed to the American Breast Cancer Foundation
Appropriate and reasonable fees may be collected by the various middlepersons involved in turning my meat into gold, but all efforts should be made to ensure that that the majority of that gold is spent in the manner described above.
*Kerry Howley's immense hotness is not relevant here, but is so overpowering that it demands mention**.
**Twice. Jeez-um-crow, but she's foxy.
